Check Yourself

With Childhood Cancer Awareness Month coming to a swift close, today is an apt time to talk about it. Today is my angel Michaela's birthday.

In her teens, Minnie was diagnosed with a brain tumour, and she, like many, was diagnosed far far too late. This lead to intense and grueling treatment, having her in and out of hospital for years. Minnie put up a great fight, and her spirit never faded, yet the cancer was stronger than she was, and eventually won its fight in February 2014. Had she been diagnosed earlier, there may have been a slightly different outcome, but that is something that we will never be able to find out.

Late diagnosis, especially in teens, is far too common. I was diagnosed at pretty much the latest stage as could have been possible, because my doctors were looking for the wrong things; I didn't know any symptoms; and I was being mid-diagnosed over and over and over - 7 times, I think. It is a common problem that doctors and GPs won't listen to teens - my GP was convinced I just had an eating disorder because I was a 15 year old girl, losing weight without explanation who was lethargic and not eating much. No. Another doctor was certain I was suffering Chrones, but I just just 'too embarrassed' to be honest about my bowel movements. Again, no. I knew something bad was wrong, and it took me seven months for an accurate diagnosis.awareness

Every. Single. Day. More than ten children in the UK, and 3 in Australia, are diagnosed with Cancer. This is 1 child in 500 developing cancer before the age of 14 (in the UK), yet this only accounts for 0.5 of cancer cases. It is far too common. 

I had nine of these eleven symptoms, yet Cancer wasn't considered until seven months into constant doctors visits and consultations. 

An alarming number of my friends and peers who I speak to, aren't in the habit of checking themselves. It may sound cliche, and most are of the view that 'well it's not going to happen to me', but that's how I thought only 5 years ago. And it did happen to me. And it could happen to you. Just once in a while feel yourself in the shower, and check any freckles or moles, and give your neck a feel and ask yourself how healthy you're feeling. Don't ignore anything your body is trying to tell you. Naivety will not help anything. The amazing Lynne McNicoll is a perfect example, who decided to check herself one nice day in the shower, and found a strange lump which turned out to be breast cancer. If she hadn't found it that day, the diagnosis would have been later and therefore more severe.

Obviously finding Cancer is just never ideal. But the earlier it's caught, the less chance it has of putting up a fight against you. Too many friends, and fellow patients have lost their fights and too many people are still naive about it.

So please, check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.

Reflections

So it's a Thursday night (Technically Friday early morning) and I'm in bed watching a Cancer documentary. I LUV 2 PARTYYYYY. 

So yeah, I'm watching Channel 4's documentary 'Curing Cancer' and well well, this is familiar. Reflecting back to where I was this time just three years ago is nothing less than surreal. 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing; almost as wonderful as time - and they say that time heals all wounds.

This time three years ago I was in the horrible stage between treatment and remission - unsure whether I would remain a habitant of Sick Kids Ward 2, or whether I would regain my freedom, my life and my health..to an extent. And to my absolute delight, on December 21st 2011, I found out I was being awarded with the latter.

So now I am two years and ten months in remission with two years and two months remaining before I am 'cured' of Hodgkins Lymphoma. Incredible, isn't it? I can't begin to express how lucky I am.

On March 9th & 10th 2011 I thought I would die. I was naive enough to assume that Cancer means baldness followed by death; yet here I am reflecting on it as one of the best things that has ever happened to me. 

Cancer forces you to grow up far too early and make decisions that no 15 year old should have to make and it puts you through hell with chemo and radio and scans and drugs and sickness and spending more time in hospital with your nurses, than at home with your family.

But it also forces you to have a positive outlook on almost everything. Life, health and time are such blessings and you no longer take that for granted. I met incredible people and I had amazing experiences. 

One of my best Cancer friends was taken from us in February. Michaela was one of the most inspirational, positive, hilarious and loveliest people I have ever had the pleasure of befriending. She took everything in her stride and could find the funny side to everything to do with cancer. Her sense of tumour should be taken as a gospel and it's people like her that make the positives of my Cancer story and make me reflect on the past three years so positively.

Reflecting on my roller-coaster of experiences, I don't believe it happened to me. The hospital appointments and the weight loss and the hair loss, then the weight gain and the chemo and the radio and being hungry all day every day then not eating for days on end; the shingles and living in isolation and the infection risks - the sympathy! But also the nurses and the friends and the charities, the free Grumpy and the support and trips to Centre Parcs and Lapland and the medical knowledge and the excessive free time to watch TV and films. 

It feels like a different life. I am almost a third of my way through my University degree, looking up international universities to study at next year and I have the most incredible friends and the best boyfriend and my life is so bloody normal, whilst at the same time it's just so far from normal.

So, Cancer is shit.

But, Cancer is great. 

Secrets

"That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets." 

Secrets are a strange thing.

Everyone has secrets. 

Some people may share more than others, but everyone will still have secrets. 

I have now been at university for over six weeks and my Cancer remains a secret to 99% of people I have met here. Out of my twelve flatmates, four know; and one is a friend from home who knew anyway. The thing is, it's hard to keep a secret so big - strangely enough it comes up in conversation more often than you would imagine..and with me being so open about it and able to talk about it so casually at home, it's proved to be difficult to keep covering up my tracks when I accidentally blurt out a hint. 

I have just lay down and explained a very small part of the story to one of my closest flatmates. It's the first time I've spoken about it so flat out in so long. It's strange. I remember so many tiny little details; so many conversations with the exact words that were spoken from over two years ago..yet it is all still such a blur. The whole 10 months is such a blur. It felt good to get it out to him; relieving. It's just such a heavy piece of baggage to carry around. Sometimes I want to wear a sandwich board just explaining everything so that everyone knows..but at the same time I love that no one here knows, and that I'm not pre-judged for it and no one has sympathy for me and no one cares or is intrigued or 'inspired' by me. It's so liberating yet so confining. 

The 'Aw your hair was so long'  'how come you cut your hair so short?' and 'you look so different' comments that people throw around whilst looking back at photos; the 'What are those marks?' 'What are those scars from?' questions that are constantly asked. It makes me just want to rant about everything. But no. "Yeah, it was." "I just fancied a change" and "Aw I had an operation." are just now standard, automatic responses.

I'm now left wondering how much longer I will have this secret for - surely it will come out one by one; people will come across my blog, or I will blurt something that will all put the several small jigsaw pieces together and people will begin to figure it out. It's just not the type of thing you introduce into conversation during freshers week. 

"Hi. I'm Laura, I'm from Edinburgh and I had Cancer.."

I don't want to tell people. I fully accept that they will all find out but I won't be the one to tell them; and maybe I should be..but I don't want to.

Other people in my flat will have secrets that they're bottling up, so I can keep mine if they can keep theirs. That's fair, right?

Anyway, another pointless blog. Just wanted to get all of this down. 

Goodnight X

Chapters

Life is like a very long book; it contains many different chapters all of which contain some significant information, all necessary to follow the storyline. Some chapters are more eventful and more exciting than others, other chapters aren't so good; maybe sad or boring, but still equally as important.

I am about to finish my current chapter and move onto the next - and luckily this one is one of the more exciting chapters. On Saturday, I leave home and move to university. I'm excited - not even nervous - just excited and ready to leave Edinburgh, and the past few years behind with it. And it's a good time to go; I've finished school, and happily so; spent four months at home with friends and family and work and moved onto clinic only every three months, following almost 2 years since I finished my Lymphoma treatment.

Last night, I was invited to attend an Inaugural Lecture at the Royal Infirmary, presented by one of my consultants, Hamish Wallace. The title of this lecture was "After the Cure: Improving outcomes for young people with cancer" which, of course, is of particular interest to myself. Prior to being invited to his lecture, Hamish had texted me asking if he could use me as a case study: "I will be talking about Hodgkin's and fertility but nothing private in relation to you - only showing your pictures and talking about Laura - no surname" he said. So I agreed, and decided to go along to the lecture. It was interesting; I learnt a lot - both about realistic outcomes and predictions for my future, and about myself and my treatment and disease. Hearing Hamish talk publicly about me was strange; it was so interesting but also surreal that it was me he was referring to. Us humans are very good at locking things away and never thinking about them - me having Cancer is a very deranged and distant memory; it's surreal and really doesn't seem like it ever happened. I was sick, tired and weak for 10 months. I was bald. I lost so much weight and then gained even more. I spent my life in hospital and I lost contact with so many people. Did that actually happen?! Yeah, it did. And when someone presents that information, with pictures of you, your scans and all these statistics about how you're so likely to suffer another chronic illness, problem or second cancer, on a six foot screen in front of 100 people, it all comes flooding back to you and it's a feeling I can't quite explain. It's terrifying; a 70% chance that I will suffer another serious health problem later in life; a 20% chance I will develop a second cancer and that I'm 40% more likely to suffer cancer, a second time round, than any of my friends of siblings!? Surely that's not fair? I've had my fair share of Cancer so why should I be the one to have it again? Facing these realities is something that no one wants to do, especially not a Cancer survivor. Fighting and beating something like Cancer is such an achievement, but it doesn't all end when the scans are clear - it doesn't ever end and that's what Hamish is trying to improve. Shucks, huh?

So here I am, going to university having never thought I would be this old this quickly..even though I'm still so young. I've had the most amazing summer with the most incredible people but I am ready to leave that here and start fresh in a new city - LEGGGOOOOOOOOOO.

Onwards & Upwards

As we came into a new year I decided I would try and write a blog each month in 2013. As you can see that plan failed epically as we sit nearing the end of February and I'm yet to write one. I seem to begin each blog with an apology of absence and so I apologise for both the lack of blogs and the vast apologies..as if anyone cares. 

..Do people still even read my blogs? Didn't think so.

So anyway, happy belated new year! Here's to another year of health and happiness..hopefully. After my disaster of a 2011, 2012 sure made up for it and 2013 is looking even more promising. 

Having said that, my opening line of my 2011 diary (yes, I keep a diary) is:
"New year, New start and I'm feeling pretty optimistic for this one; couldn't get any worse than 2010"
HA. HA. HA. 

Anyway, 2013 brings me my 2 year Cancerversary (since D-day (diagnosis)) as well as my 2 year Remission anniversary; putting me into clinic only every 4 months - what a treat! It also brings me my graduation of school, beginning of university, girl's holiday and eighteenth birthday. Horrendously scary and big year. 

The only news I really have is that my school has raised £3000 for Sick Kid's Ward 2 (Oncology & Hematology (Cancer & Blood)) over the past two years in memory of Peter Murray, an SMC boy who passed away after fighting cancer. So that's good..that we raised that amount obviously.

AND AND AND remember I told you all about my friend Rachel? WELL RACHY IS DONNNNEEE. After 127 painful days, Rachel is finally finished and joins our community of cancer beaters YEA YEA YEAAA YOU GO GURL. (Lol)

I'm really struggling to think of anything to say; I just wanted to blog to let everybody know I'm still alive (awkward cancer joke) 

XOXO

Festive Reflections

WARNING: ENSURE YOU HAVE 5 SPARE HOURS TO READ THIS POST. I BLAB. A LOT.

First of all, I would like to wish you all a very Merry (Belated) Christmas and a prosperous, happy and healthy New Year. The Winter season is always one full of family fun, festivities and food, making it one of the happiest times of the year. 

However, some, like me, have even more celebrations over the festive fortnight. December 21st was my one year anniversary of being in Remission. I have been cancer-less for just over a year now and life has never looked so promising. The same day, I got an unconditional offer for Northumbria University which just made my already-amazing day, even more amazinger.

So I'm going to take the time to reflect on the highlights of 2012, before plunging into 2013.

January 2012: My first cancerless month
I started off 2012 by having my first month of not being a cancer patient. I had my first clinic check up appointment which was all good news and I began to get back into the swing of things.

February 2012: Trip to London
In the middle of February i went on a school trip to London. It was my first proper time out of Edinburgh after my 1-hour-boundary from hospital during treatment. London was fun.
February 2012: FYSOT
The week after my trip to London, I ventured down to Nottingham with some of my cancer friends to attend the 'Find Your Sense of Tumour' conference with TCT. We attended conferences and speeches about life with cancer along with 500 other people who actually understood us, as they were the exact same. Being surrounded by people who talk about cancer as if it's just another one of 'those things' was weirdly relieving and comforting. An unbelievable experience.

March 2012: It's Good 2 Give's First Ball
After much preparation and hard work from Lynne, the charity hosted it's first ever ball. A huge success and incredible evening. The 2013 ball was sold out before we even had a confirmed venue, crazy excited for round 2!
9th March 2012: CANCERVERSARY
The 9th March 2012 was a very special day as it was my first cancerversary. Cancerversary is my made up word to mark my anniversary of diagnosis. It seemed surreal that it was an entire year ago that I was diagnosed, and a year later I was through treatment, in remission, losing the weight and gaining the hair. I marked the date with a meal and drinks with three of my best friends. Happy as Larry. (Who's Larry?)

April 2012: Floridaaaa
In the Easter Holidays I got my first proper holiday after my 1-hour-boundary to FLORIDAAAA. My mum took my brothers and I to Universal to visit all the parks and stay in the Hard Rock Hotel. Quite easily one of the best weeks of my life. Harry Potter Land was well worth the anticipated wait. Unreal.

July/August 2012: SUMMER
SUMMER. Easily the best summer yet. After my Work Experience in London, I backpacked to T in the Park, Broke away to Crief Hydro, Jet set to Palma/Magaluf/Puerto Pollensa/Everywhere in Mallorca and Chilled and partied (legend) at home. An unforgettable summer.

November 2012: Fashion Show
I hosted the It's Good 2 Give fashion show again this year alongside Grant, Iona and Shannon which was the best fun. A huge success, raising a crazy sum of money.


December 2012: EVERYTHING
December has been a crazy month. From working in Jack Wills, to birthdays (my birthday WAHEY), to sending off my UNAYYY application, to the Christmas Ball, Christmas (x2) and New Year preperations..I. Am. Shattered. Incredible month, nonetheless.

HOPES FOR 2013:

• A couple more university offers would be nice
• Good exam results
• Good hospital results
• GENERAL HEALTH (hahahahahahahahhaha we can all hope)
• Recovery for my cancer friends
• Success in my charity work 
• Long hair (LOL)
• Another amazing summer
• New and existing friendships hehehe

So I'm sorry if some of you have dozed off during this post, but I wanted to reflect on the past year in order to look forward to the next. 

May 2013 bring you love, happiness and health with a lot of success along the way.
All my love X

The Only Way Is Up

There is no better feeling ever ever than the feeling when you get good news. Not good news like 'you passed your NAB' or 'we're going to Nando's for dinner' albeit, that is always some preeetty good news to get; I'm talking like, REALLY good news.

In Cancer world, a world very parallel to non-Cancer world you can get everything from the bottom extreme of a friend passing, to the top end of a friend being cured and quite literally everything in between. And let me tell you, in the past 2 years, I've had it all.

So I told you about my good friend Rachel in my last blog. She was diagnosed with pre-Leukemia 44 days ago after being ill and feeling pretty rubbish for a while. She was extremely lucky in that she was caught very very early, because she pursued her GPs. She thought something was wrong and she wouldn't take no shit from no one. So here she is, not even bald yet, IN. REMISSION. 

I REPEAT. RACHEL LAIRD IS IN REMMISSION. AFTER 44 DAYS. 
Somebody get her a trophy, please. Some people have colds..or bleeding noses for longer than that. Rachel was diagnosed, treated, and fought cancer in 44 days. I don't even know what to write, it's incredible. 

This is some of the best news I've ever received  And I don't think it's quite appreciated as much when you haven't experienced it. Being told you'll get better, and that you've gotten better is an indescribable feeling. It was genuinely one of the best days of my life. AND I GET TO SEE RACHEL TOMORROW AND WE CAN CELEBRATE TOGETHER YAAAAAY. 

Anyway, I wanted to let all my followers know. Cause it's amazing. Yeah.

Whilst we're on the topic..it's 22 days until my year Remission anniversary. YAY.

Apologies

Guess who's baaaack! 

Yes, me. I would like to note that my blog is not dead, simply dormant for periods of time. I do realise that the last time I blogged was in summer..and it is almost November..but this is a cancer blog..and I have not cancer. But here I am. Life goes on. C'est la vie.

I sit here with my (optimistically) shoulder length hair and relatively normal life, having had a whole month without going to the hospital once and feel somewhat of a traitor to my cancer society. Should I not be bald? Should I not be ill and unwell and in and out of hospital being poked and prodded by every living nurse and doctor? No. I am in remission and that is good. My experience is a parallel world to the one I live now. Of course, it plays a major party in my life and not a day goes by without it affecting me, but each day it becomes more and more surreal that my body was being taken over and attacked by tumours..only 18 months ago.

Edinburgh Jenners pink for Brest Cancer EYY

I am in remission. I have been in remission for ten months and eight days. My regular clinic check ups have just been moved from every month, to every second month and October is the first month I have not had a single reason to be in hospital since probably August 2010. 

Along with the good news I have brought you, comes some not so good news. A good friend of mine was diagnosed with pre-leukemia a couple of weeks ago. Luckily, it was caught very very early on and she is only on a six month chemotherapy treatment scheme. She was one of my friends who, when I was diagnosed, didn't understand how I kept so positive, she told me she could never be that strong. I can tell you right here, right now that she is as strong, if not stronger than I am was. It's amazing. Something about Rachel is that she wants to be me. Not only did she copy my illness, she copied my blog. (Hohoho kidding obv) so you all NEED to check it out. It's crazy good. http://rachelbouncingback.blogspot.co.uk  Although what's happened to Rachy is awful, like..the awfullest, I'm pleased that she is now my cancer friend. Cancer friends have this special bond, you see. A bond that nobody else quite understands. And only cancer friends have..or develop Tumour Humour. Nobody else understands that either. LUV U RACH X

And my final piece of news. That makes me just the happiest person ever ever ever to announce is that my FIRST EVER CANCER FRIEND Ailsa finshed her treatment on October 19th. She was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 years ago now and I cannot remember a single time in my treatment that she wasn't there for me. She really is a very very special gal and I am just SO HAPPY that she's been given the all clear. YAY AILS.  

And finally finally, the Annual It's Good 2 Give fashion show is on Sunday this week. There are still tickets available if you are interested so feel free to contact myself of Lynne for details! http://www.facebook.com/events/266433110093362/?ref=ts&fref=ts

Anyway, that is all for today. 

xoxo

New Beginnings

I haven't forgotten about my blog, I promise. I just don't have much to write about, which has been a recurring problem all year. After going into happy happy remission in December, my cancer side of things has been lifeless and repetitive (much like my hair) Normal life. Clinic once a month. Back to normal life. Clinic four weeks later. Normal life. So much so, that going back into my second home of Ward 2 at the Sick Kids, it feels like a lifetime ago that I lived there. I get somewhat nostalgic in the surroundings.

So, I'll catch you up...

• My team and I came 7th out of 28 at the Dragonboat race; Unbelievable
• I won a prize for Special Achievement (lol) at prizegiving
• I had the most amazing weekend of my life at T in the Park
• I've been to Majorca for three weeks on holiday
• I had my six month full body scans which showed everything as fine. WAHEY
• I saw Madonna live :|
• I got my exam results and somehow managed to scrape four As
• I eventually got the piercings I wanted
• A beautiful little boy was sadly taken from us, receiving his wings yesterday
• Tomorrow I set off on my final year of school

So summer 2012 is officially over. I can happily say that it has 100% been the best summer of my life and definitely made up for my lack of summer 2011. Between weekend festivals/breaks, holidays with my girls, my family holiday and my time in Edinburgh I have had the sickest time. I have the most amazing friends and family in the entire world that have made my summer as amazing as it was. LUV U GUYZ XOXO 

Also, as a footnote. It's Good 2 Give (only the most amazing charity ever) have begun to get busy organising our amazing annual fashion show. Tickets are available now so you should most definitely save the date: November 4th. SEE YOU THERE. http://www.facebook.com/events/266433110093362/

Control

So I notice I've become somewhat absent. This is not because I don't have time for my blog, it's simply due to the fact that I have nothing much cancer-related to talk about, and this being a blog about my cancer, it all proves a little difficult. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean my life is back to hunky-dory how it was; far from it, in fact..it just means that nothing is interesting enough to share.

However, I have experienced a few problems as of late, which have made me angry, to say the least. So I finish my treatment; my nine months of hell and I'm put into remission. YAY. WOPEE. HALLELUJAH. CELEBRATIONS. All is well; I'm told my life will slowly morph back to normality, I only need to go into hospital once a month for clinic, my side effects shouldn't be too disruptive, I should cope fine..la de dah. I'm given the impression that I have my life back. Yes? No. I have recently discovered that my life is still very much controlled by my disease, by my doctors and by the hospital.

Example A

For about three years now, I've wanted double piercings (a piercing just above a normal lobe one) and to begin with, my parents were all 'no no you're not getting that' and it annoyed me very much. And then they accepted it and agreed to it early last year as I was getting ill. I was then diagnosed and all that was thrown out the window due to infection risk etc. As soon as my treatment is over, I'm planning on when to get them done, where to go and all that. I'm told to wait a few months for my bloods to go back to normal. That was October. This is June. I'm still unpierced. I decide to go last week, plan it, and tell my mum. "Oh did Angela say it was okay" "Well, she said in October to wait a couple months.." "No, no, I would rather you had Angela's direct permission." Angela being my consultant and first port of call. REALLY? I am not twelve. I do not want to have to get permission for everything I do. I want my promised independence, please. 

Example B

I have just returned from spending the week in London on work experience. As far as I'm concerned, and I hope, I am cancer free. Cancer was in a previous life and I'm a 'normal' person now. Of course, not a day goes by without cancer-related implications or jokes or conversations or thoughts, but on the whole it doesn't hugely affect my day-to-day life as it used to, obviously. So I'm all packed and jetted off to London when my mum asks that I've ensured that I've given my discharge notes to my dad's friend who I'm staying with. What? "Just in case anything happens." Fair enough, of course, she is my mother, she worries and my safety is paramount to her. But, really? 

Although these two provided examples may seem somewhat small and petty, there are many. They add up. They frustrate me and they deduct from the normality of my life. My life will never be normal. Never ever. I had cancer and I will forever more be defined and restricted by my cancer. But for crying out loud, let me pierce my ears.

DON'T FORGET TO SPONSOR ME AND MY PALS WHO ARE DOING A DRAGON BOAT RACE NEXT WEEK FOR A LOCAL EDINBURGH CANCER CHARITY. EVERY DONATION WILL MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE. WE NEED YOUR HELP TO REACH OUR TARGETED £2, 000. FOLLOW THIS LINK TO SPONSOR;www.virginmoneygiving.com/team/Lauras-Road-to-Recovery X

Dragon Slaying

Juus' Rowin'

So I just wanted to dedicate a post to this fundraising event me, my family and some friends are doing. Unfortunately, no, it is not quite dragon 'slaying' as I put it. It is dragon boat racing (tomAto, tomato, right?) 


To put it briefly, it is a rowing race. It will take place at Ocean Terminal in Edinburgh on June 23rd. We have built a team and we shall be training from now until then. We are raising money for my fave charity It's Good 2 Give! which supports children, young people and their families in Edinburgh going through cancer. 


So yeah, any extra information is on the website linked. Any donations, however small or large are greatly appreciated and support on the day would be incredible! 


GET DONATING, EVERY LITTLE HELPS. 
Thank you, kind warriors. X


http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=Lauras-Road-to-Recovery&isTeam=true

The Great Escape

So I'm just home from my first holiday after my hour-from-hospital boundary for the past year. And boy, I cannot even explain how amazing it was. Not only was the holiday incredible, but just some sun, a change of scenery and getting away from everyone was exactly what I needed.

My mum, my brothers and I jetted off to Orlando to spend the week doing the parks we've not done before. We stayed in the Hard Rock Hotel which was LEGIT; a three minute walk from the Universal parks and a crazy cool hotel full of rock star memorabilia and poolside bands. We did Universal, Islands of Adventure, Sea World, Busch Gardens and Wet n' Wild in the week and still had time to chill, re-do rides and shop (and spend time with my new boyfriend Joseph obv)

It was the most incredible first holiday post-treatment and has made me beyond keen for summer and all the holidays/events i have in line. Until then, exams, highers, defining my life, no biggie. Death.

In other news, I CAN TIE MY HAIR UP

Cancerversary.

So it has officially been a year. On the 9th March 2011, I was diagnosed with Lymphoma, and on the 9th March 2012 I'm in remission. Crazy huh? I was ill, diagnosed, treated and I'm out the other end all in a calendar year. Far too surreal.

So, of course, because my best friend is a sentimental loser (in the most amazing way), we celebrated..and of course, with food and wine. Lily, who has been the biggest God-send of a friend this year, comes over, bearing gifts of the most sentimental kind; a bedazzled card and a poem. Yes, she wrote a poem about me last year. I read it. I cried. If you were to read it, you'd cry. But you're not going to read it, because it's mine.

Most people would spend the day mourning about how shit a time it's been and how glad they are that it's over. But because that's too mainstream for Lily, we celebrate the fact that I was one of the lucky ones, and that I survived. Yes, it's been a shit year, but at the same time it's been an amazing year. I've met the most amazing people, become closer to the most amazing people in my life and had some amazing experiences. And now that I'm over it, I've come back bouncing.

Anyway, in other news, my fave charity, It's Good 2 Give! had their first ever ball last week which was the biggest of successes. Raising around £20, 000 and leaving the Sheraton wine-less, it was one of the most amazing nights in Good2Give history. I strongly advise tickets to be bought for next year sooner rather than later as it's selling out fast. G2G WINNING.

Tumour Humour.

I've just come home from a weekend in Nottingham at Center Parcs with the Teenage Cancer Trust. Basically, they do an annual conference called 'Find Your Sense of Tumour' (I know, right?) for teenagers over the UK to get together and attend various conferences and partake in various activities. Now, I have no idea what I expected, but definitely not how it was. Spending a weekend with people you don't know, in a confined area, talking about cancer. Doesn't sound too thrilling. And then I got there.


Each day consisted of breakfast, conferences from 9-4, free time and evening meals and discos. The conferences varied from talks from different people with different experiences and a talk from Hardeep Singh Kohli to an inspirational speech from Sean Swarner - the first ever cancer survivor to climb Everest and a question and answer session with a pannel of consultants, experts and GPs. To say the least, they were all surprisingly entertaining whilst still informative. 

Meeting other people going through exactly what you have is so, unbelievably reassuring. You're always told "don't worry. that's normal. everyone in this position goes through that." But you never really believe it. Being handed the opportunity to share experiences of treatment, side effects and how it affects friendships, social lives and you're state of emotion reassures you that, in reality, everyone else actually is going through what you're going through. 

Hodgkins Girls EYYY

The way the weekend and the people functioned was hilarious though. For example, I met a guy whilst waiting for our massages. I spoke to him for about half an hour, spoke to him that night and the following night, could probably tell you his life story, yet I still don't know his name. It just didn't come up in a conversation which started 'Hey, how are you, so what do you have?' and then carried on to share experiences of treatment etc. So, young gentleman from London who has testicular cancer and a tattoo on your neck, if you're reading, get in touch.

Not only did I come away from the weekend tired and inspired, I came back with a lot of new friends, reassurance that I'm 'normal' (for a cancer survivor anyway) and with expanded tumour humour (the ability to laugh and make jokes about cancer, and , obviously, tumours.) So I'm pleased to announce, officially, that I did indeed find my 'sense of tumour' (Which my friend and I decided was a Fabergé Egg) and I am now extremely comfortable in my new senses.

For further information, you can watch the conferences online at www.jimmyteens.tv (I strongly recommend Sean Swarner's when it's uploaded.) 

Blah Blah Blah

So after a month of hard work, prelims are finally over. EYYY. I feel as if I've just invented the telephone or something, this feels like suuch an achievement for me. I've never really sat exams before. I missed my third year exams due to Iceland conveniently erupting which meant we were stuck in the Caribbean and had to spend a week in New York before we were able to fly home (shame that) and my fourth year prelims don't count because i did nil revision and wrote about a sentence per answer due to my lack of energy as i was so ill. An obviously i didn't sit any Int2's because i was having treatment and missing school. (although i sat maths, having taught myself unit 3 (the hard bit) and sitting it in my hospital room, and achieved an A..incase i didn't tell you..but i will have because it's probably the biggest achievement of my life, not even kidding) So sitting proper exams, in a big exam hall was practically new to me. Not an experience that i'd wish to occur more often, but it was.. regrettably, quite fun. Although i'm beyond glad they're now over and i can sit, do nothing and not feel guilty.

In other news, i chemically straightened my hair this week. Basically, being the fan/stalker of Sophie's blog that I am, after she blogged about being able to have non-microphone, non-Frankie Cocozza/Harry Styles styled hair, I had to try it myself. And it was one of the best recommendations I think I've ever had. So many people say "aw it must be quite convenient having short hair, must be so easy to maintain." but ladies and gents, don't be fooled by the dyke spike. With my long hair, I'd wash it every second night, let it dry naturally and straighten it when i could be bothered. With my dyke spike, however, I have to wash it almost every night, blow dry it and then straighten it if I plan on leaving the house in order to look relatively normal. I've never spent so much hair-time in my life. So i invested in 'Soft Sheen Carson Dark and Lovely Kids' hair relaxing kit. All that was involved was mixing the mousse, applying the mousse and washing out and BAM i have straight hair without having to blow dry or straighten. Absolute bliss.

before 

after (naturally dried, unstraightened. EYY)

The last thing I'd like to mention in my blog is the current state of humanity. Now I have some pretty incredible people in my life. An amazing family, incredible friends and such a good support group, but I've also encountered some pretty disgusting people. The perfect example of this is my experience from this morning. So there I am, chilling in bed, when my phone buzzes with a facebook notification. A friend of mine had been fraped and left a comment on my facebook including the term 'patient c*nt.' This in itself is pretty sick. Picking on people for the way they look, the way they act etc is one thing, but making fun of people that have a disease that is outwith their control is a whole new level of low. So I delete it, spare the poor lowlife from embarrassment, to which i am bombarded with another comment saying 'haha deleted my comment you tumor' like..wtf. Not as if I was offended; those who know me know that I'm not one for caring what others think of me; I was just a bit shocked, and disgusted. Now I'm not going to name and shame, although I know who it was, but people who do stuff like this need to have a think about their life and adopt some boundaries because I know I'm not the only one who gets abuse for the same reasons, some friends do as well and it's just disgusting. The people I've met through my disease are some of the strongest, most inspirational people I have ever come across and people who evidently have nothing better to do really do not deserve to be bad-mouthing other people for such reasons.

I couldn't think of a better name for this blog than Blah Blah Blah because it's literally just me ranting and exposing my thoughts. Sorry for the shchat. I promise to try harder. X

Procrastination.

First blog of the year EYYY. Happy New Year then, hopefully a good year in store for all, especially myself but i have no expectations.

I guess, by blogging, i feel my prelim procrastination is somewhat productive, and so i feel better. Yet another example of me kidding myself into thinking what I'm doing is okay. Example numero un; typing out notes. I think; well done Laura, you've done three hours solid revision. But in reality, i don't know it as i was singing along to One Direction and not taking anything in. Example numero deux; printing off notes. I sit and read twitter whilst my 30 sheets of typed-up notes print off. Then i feel i deserve a revision break. I currently feel as if i'm living a lie through this. Must get it sorted before finals. Numero trois; 'doing past papers' which, in my case, it typing up the answers from the answer booklet. I have an OCD that, if I'm not 110% sure that why i'm writing is right, i won't write it. So i seek guidance from the answer booklet and so don't actually learn anything. My revision is awful. I simply don't know how to do it.

Anyway, aside from my riveting social life (or not) I shall update you on my medical position, as, unfortunately, that's why my blog is about. So i had my second ever 'clinic' today. 'Clinic' for us cancer gals is where, each month, you go to hospital outpatients, get an x-ray, get an ultra sound, get blood tests and have a chatter with your consultant about how you're doing and stuff. Today, the hot topic was christmas presents and how the term 'piss up' has been recently replaced with 'skite' (my dad's words not mine) So yeah, i know you're all edge-of-your-seats excited to know how i'm doing so, yeah i'm good. Could write you a textbook of various side effects but i'm doing okay.

Current side-effects include:

Tiredness; when i say i can't tell you what it feels like not to be tired, i am no liar. I have never experienced anything quite like this. Symptoms of cancer - tiredness. Treatment - tiring. Long-lasting side effect - tiredness. WHEN WILL IT END?!
Minimal concentration span; this and prelims simply and brutally do not bode well. I cannot concentrate one any one thing for much longer than ten minutes. I can't write full blogs, nor can i write up huge notes in one sitting, or even listen to a full song. Nothing.
Horrendous balance; to the extent, that as a christmas present, my mother bought me a 'balance band' Now, I've never been one for gracefulness or elegancy, but i have never been this clumsy before. I can barely walk up or down stairs without falling over. (apparently these are highly rated by celebs; Becks is a fan as well as the princess herself. Lea Michelle also wears one in New Year's Eve. Lgibz trend setter EYYOOO)

Middleton aka Princess Cluts
 sporting her balance band. 

Poor eyesight; again, never been one for 20-20 vision and I've had glasses for over a year now. but even with glasses, my eyesight goes blurry and hazy. Not very helpful in the midst of exams and mass workload.
Emotional disfunctions; emotionally, i'm a mess. Verging on bipolar. There is not much more to say under this heading if i'm honest.
Confusion; again, i've never been one for being quick. Never been the sharpest crayon or the pinkest ham buut this is taking confusion and blonde-ness to a new extreme. Very surprised my hair grew back brunette.

Anyway, that's a good half hour of wasted time. must now crack on with some English. Excuse me whilst I dive into the deep depths of Streetcar. Oh the joys..

New.

Hogmanay 2011

So it's 3.15am on the 31st December 2011 and I'm still awake (god knows why) and reflecting on the past year. This time last year, i was completely oblivious as to what was coming. Had someone told me I would have fought and beat cancer in the next calendar year, i would have laughed in their face. It just seemed so unrealistic. Cancer was something you rarely heard of, knew nothing about and had annoying television adverts that make you feel bad..for 5 seconds before switching channels. Now, a year down the line i feel i'm a completely different person. Not only do i appreciate life and everything in it so much more, but i feel so much less selfish and a whole lot more selfless. Thinking about it, I've been ruddy good this year, if i say so myself. I've dived in head first and got on with it as best i possibly can and it's all paid off. Cannot even begin to imagine where I'd be had it not been for my family and nurses. (probably up there with the big guy if i'm perfectly honest)

So with a new year, comes a new start and new resolutions.
(although none of my Christmas predictions were right..awkward.)
1) get good highers
2) do a lot of charity work (LYNNE, COME AT ME BRO)
3) do one good deed every day
4) stay close to those who mean the most
5) figure out what i want in life

Usually, my resolutions are that of 'don't bite my nails.' or 'eat more green vegetables' but no, this year they're back with a vengeance; bigger and better than ever and i WILL, i repeat, will achieve them if it's the last thing i do.

Quoting my fave people of all time 'we've come so far, and we've reached so high and we've looked each day and night in the eye and we're still so young and we hoped for more' sorry, seemed very appropriate for this situation.

So imma forget about how crappy 2011 has been, and welcome in the new year with open arms and much optimism. 2012 LETS SEE WHAT YOU GOT. Happy New Year folks x

Christmas Celebrations

I'd like to start off my blog with the best bit of news that I've been given for a very long time; I'M IN REMISSION. Yes, ladies and gents, Laura is finally and officially in remission with no more active disease. This means, that I'm now free for five years, to see if my disease relapses, and if it doesn't, I'm 'cured'

re·mis·sion/riˈmiSHən/

Noun:

The cancellation of a debt, charge, or penalty. A diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a temporary recovery.

I was given this news (in a surprisingly casual conversation) on December 21st. Coincidentally, that night was the big night out for one of my girls' birthdays, so this was more cause for more celebrations. I physically cannot express in actions or words how relieved I am/was. Quite literally the best Christmas present i could ever have gotten. As they say 'the best presents are those with no cost' ..or something like that. And the words of my beautiful auntie "today is the first day of the rest of your life." And that's exactly how i see it; the opportunity to start over and get my life back into full swing. No better time to start than Christmas; the most wonderful time of the year.

So following that; I hope you all had the most amazing christmas surrounded by the amazing company that is your family. My mum and I paid a visit to Sick Kids Ward 2 on Christmas Eve to play the role of Santa. Unfortunately the ward is almost full and remained that way over Christmas Day. However, the 'real' Santa (obv not the real one because I saw him last weekend and he would've told me) paid them a visit and they all got lots of presents anyway.

It's been almost a week since we broke up from school, and I haven't even thought about prelim revision, so this is definitely a job for tomorrow. Been far too busy with Christmas Festivities. Why are prelims in January? give them to us in November so we can enjoy our Christmas holidays; only the most important holiday of them all in biblical terms. So I guess from now on it's solid work until May. spare me, please. Would quite like to fast forward to SUMMER please.

Anyway, happy holidays guys.