Secrets

"That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets." 

Secrets are a strange thing.

Everyone has secrets. 

Some people may share more than others, but everyone will still have secrets. 

I have now been at university for over six weeks and my Cancer remains a secret to 99% of people I have met here. Out of my twelve flatmates, four know; and one is a friend from home who knew anyway. The thing is, it's hard to keep a secret so big - strangely enough it comes up in conversation more often than you would imagine..and with me being so open about it and able to talk about it so casually at home, it's proved to be difficult to keep covering up my tracks when I accidentally blurt out a hint. 

I have just lay down and explained a very small part of the story to one of my closest flatmates. It's the first time I've spoken about it so flat out in so long. It's strange. I remember so many tiny little details; so many conversations with the exact words that were spoken from over two years ago..yet it is all still such a blur. The whole 10 months is such a blur. It felt good to get it out to him; relieving. It's just such a heavy piece of baggage to carry around. Sometimes I want to wear a sandwich board just explaining everything so that everyone knows..but at the same time I love that no one here knows, and that I'm not pre-judged for it and no one has sympathy for me and no one cares or is intrigued or 'inspired' by me. It's so liberating yet so confining. 

The 'Aw your hair was so long'  'how come you cut your hair so short?' and 'you look so different' comments that people throw around whilst looking back at photos; the 'What are those marks?' 'What are those scars from?' questions that are constantly asked. It makes me just want to rant about everything. But no. "Yeah, it was." "I just fancied a change" and "Aw I had an operation." are just now standard, automatic responses.

I'm now left wondering how much longer I will have this secret for - surely it will come out one by one; people will come across my blog, or I will blurt something that will all put the several small jigsaw pieces together and people will begin to figure it out. It's just not the type of thing you introduce into conversation during freshers week. 

"Hi. I'm Laura, I'm from Edinburgh and I had Cancer.."

I don't want to tell people. I fully accept that they will all find out but I won't be the one to tell them; and maybe I should be..but I don't want to.

Other people in my flat will have secrets that they're bottling up, so I can keep mine if they can keep theirs. That's fair, right?

Anyway, another pointless blog. Just wanted to get all of this down. 

Goodnight X

Chapters

Life is like a very long book; it contains many different chapters all of which contain some significant information, all necessary to follow the storyline. Some chapters are more eventful and more exciting than others, other chapters aren't so good; maybe sad or boring, but still equally as important.

I am about to finish my current chapter and move onto the next - and luckily this one is one of the more exciting chapters. On Saturday, I leave home and move to university. I'm excited - not even nervous - just excited and ready to leave Edinburgh, and the past few years behind with it. And it's a good time to go; I've finished school, and happily so; spent four months at home with friends and family and work and moved onto clinic only every three months, following almost 2 years since I finished my Lymphoma treatment.

Last night, I was invited to attend an Inaugural Lecture at the Royal Infirmary, presented by one of my consultants, Hamish Wallace. The title of this lecture was "After the Cure: Improving outcomes for young people with cancer" which, of course, is of particular interest to myself. Prior to being invited to his lecture, Hamish had texted me asking if he could use me as a case study: "I will be talking about Hodgkin's and fertility but nothing private in relation to you - only showing your pictures and talking about Laura - no surname" he said. So I agreed, and decided to go along to the lecture. It was interesting; I learnt a lot - both about realistic outcomes and predictions for my future, and about myself and my treatment and disease. Hearing Hamish talk publicly about me was strange; it was so interesting but also surreal that it was me he was referring to. Us humans are very good at locking things away and never thinking about them - me having Cancer is a very deranged and distant memory; it's surreal and really doesn't seem like it ever happened. I was sick, tired and weak for 10 months. I was bald. I lost so much weight and then gained even more. I spent my life in hospital and I lost contact with so many people. Did that actually happen?! Yeah, it did. And when someone presents that information, with pictures of you, your scans and all these statistics about how you're so likely to suffer another chronic illness, problem or second cancer, on a six foot screen in front of 100 people, it all comes flooding back to you and it's a feeling I can't quite explain. It's terrifying; a 70% chance that I will suffer another serious health problem later in life; a 20% chance I will develop a second cancer and that I'm 40% more likely to suffer cancer, a second time round, than any of my friends of siblings!? Surely that's not fair? I've had my fair share of Cancer so why should I be the one to have it again? Facing these realities is something that no one wants to do, especially not a Cancer survivor. Fighting and beating something like Cancer is such an achievement, but it doesn't all end when the scans are clear - it doesn't ever end and that's what Hamish is trying to improve. Shucks, huh?

So here I am, going to university having never thought I would be this old this quickly..even though I'm still so young. I've had the most amazing summer with the most incredible people but I am ready to leave that here and start fresh in a new city - LEGGGOOOOOOOOOO.

Onwards & Upwards

As we came into a new year I decided I would try and write a blog each month in 2013. As you can see that plan failed epically as we sit nearing the end of February and I'm yet to write one. I seem to begin each blog with an apology of absence and so I apologise for both the lack of blogs and the vast apologies..as if anyone cares. 

..Do people still even read my blogs? Didn't think so.

So anyway, happy belated new year! Here's to another year of health and happiness..hopefully. After my disaster of a 2011, 2012 sure made up for it and 2013 is looking even more promising. 

Having said that, my opening line of my 2011 diary (yes, I keep a diary) is:
"New year, New start and I'm feeling pretty optimistic for this one; couldn't get any worse than 2010"
HA. HA. HA. 

Anyway, 2013 brings me my 2 year Cancerversary (since D-day (diagnosis)) as well as my 2 year Remission anniversary; putting me into clinic only every 4 months - what a treat! It also brings me my graduation of school, beginning of university, girl's holiday and eighteenth birthday. Horrendously scary and big year. 

The only news I really have is that my school has raised £3000 for Sick Kid's Ward 2 (Oncology & Hematology (Cancer & Blood)) over the past two years in memory of Peter Murray, an SMC boy who passed away after fighting cancer. So that's good..that we raised that amount obviously.

AND AND AND remember I told you all about my friend Rachel? WELL RACHY IS DONNNNEEE. After 127 painful days, Rachel is finally finished and joins our community of cancer beaters YEA YEA YEAAA YOU GO GURL. (Lol)

I'm really struggling to think of anything to say; I just wanted to blog to let everybody know I'm still alive (awkward cancer joke) 

XOXO

Festive Reflections

WARNING: ENSURE YOU HAVE 5 SPARE HOURS TO READ THIS POST. I BLAB. A LOT.

First of all, I would like to wish you all a very Merry (Belated) Christmas and a prosperous, happy and healthy New Year. The Winter season is always one full of family fun, festivities and food, making it one of the happiest times of the year. 

However, some, like me, have even more celebrations over the festive fortnight. December 21st was my one year anniversary of being in Remission. I have been cancer-less for just over a year now and life has never looked so promising. The same day, I got an unconditional offer for Northumbria University which just made my already-amazing day, even more amazinger.

So I'm going to take the time to reflect on the highlights of 2012, before plunging into 2013.

January 2012: My first cancerless month
I started off 2012 by having my first month of not being a cancer patient. I had my first clinic check up appointment which was all good news and I began to get back into the swing of things.

February 2012: Trip to London
In the middle of February i went on a school trip to London. It was my first proper time out of Edinburgh after my 1-hour-boundary from hospital during treatment. London was fun.
February 2012: FYSOT
The week after my trip to London, I ventured down to Nottingham with some of my cancer friends to attend the 'Find Your Sense of Tumour' conference with TCT. We attended conferences and speeches about life with cancer along with 500 other people who actually understood us, as they were the exact same. Being surrounded by people who talk about cancer as if it's just another one of 'those things' was weirdly relieving and comforting. An unbelievable experience.

March 2012: It's Good 2 Give's First Ball
After much preparation and hard work from Lynne, the charity hosted it's first ever ball. A huge success and incredible evening. The 2013 ball was sold out before we even had a confirmed venue, crazy excited for round 2!
9th March 2012: CANCERVERSARY
The 9th March 2012 was a very special day as it was my first cancerversary. Cancerversary is my made up word to mark my anniversary of diagnosis. It seemed surreal that it was an entire year ago that I was diagnosed, and a year later I was through treatment, in remission, losing the weight and gaining the hair. I marked the date with a meal and drinks with three of my best friends. Happy as Larry. (Who's Larry?)

April 2012: Floridaaaa
In the Easter Holidays I got my first proper holiday after my 1-hour-boundary to FLORIDAAAA. My mum took my brothers and I to Universal to visit all the parks and stay in the Hard Rock Hotel. Quite easily one of the best weeks of my life. Harry Potter Land was well worth the anticipated wait. Unreal.

July/August 2012: SUMMER
SUMMER. Easily the best summer yet. After my Work Experience in London, I backpacked to T in the Park, Broke away to Crief Hydro, Jet set to Palma/Magaluf/Puerto Pollensa/Everywhere in Mallorca and Chilled and partied (legend) at home. An unforgettable summer.

November 2012: Fashion Show
I hosted the It's Good 2 Give fashion show again this year alongside Grant, Iona and Shannon which was the best fun. A huge success, raising a crazy sum of money.


December 2012: EVERYTHING
December has been a crazy month. From working in Jack Wills, to birthdays (my birthday WAHEY), to sending off my UNAYYY application, to the Christmas Ball, Christmas (x2) and New Year preperations..I. Am. Shattered. Incredible month, nonetheless.

HOPES FOR 2013:

• A couple more university offers would be nice
• Good exam results
• Good hospital results
• GENERAL HEALTH (hahahahahahahahhaha we can all hope)
• Recovery for my cancer friends
• Success in my charity work 
• Long hair (LOL)
• Another amazing summer
• New and existing friendships hehehe

So I'm sorry if some of you have dozed off during this post, but I wanted to reflect on the past year in order to look forward to the next. 

May 2013 bring you love, happiness and health with a lot of success along the way.
All my love X

The Only Way Is Up

There is no better feeling ever ever than the feeling when you get good news. Not good news like 'you passed your NAB' or 'we're going to Nando's for dinner' albeit, that is always some preeetty good news to get; I'm talking like, REALLY good news.

In Cancer world, a world very parallel to non-Cancer world you can get everything from the bottom extreme of a friend passing, to the top end of a friend being cured and quite literally everything in between. And let me tell you, in the past 2 years, I've had it all.

So I told you about my good friend Rachel in my last blog. She was diagnosed with pre-Leukemia 44 days ago after being ill and feeling pretty rubbish for a while. She was extremely lucky in that she was caught very very early, because she pursued her GPs. She thought something was wrong and she wouldn't take no shit from no one. So here she is, not even bald yet, IN. REMISSION. 

I REPEAT. RACHEL LAIRD IS IN REMMISSION. AFTER 44 DAYS. 
Somebody get her a trophy, please. Some people have colds..or bleeding noses for longer than that. Rachel was diagnosed, treated, and fought cancer in 44 days. I don't even know what to write, it's incredible. 

This is some of the best news I've ever received  And I don't think it's quite appreciated as much when you haven't experienced it. Being told you'll get better, and that you've gotten better is an indescribable feeling. It was genuinely one of the best days of my life. AND I GET TO SEE RACHEL TOMORROW AND WE CAN CELEBRATE TOGETHER YAAAAAY. 

Anyway, I wanted to let all my followers know. Cause it's amazing. Yeah.

Whilst we're on the topic..it's 22 days until my year Remission anniversary. YAY.

Apologies

Guess who's baaaack! 

Yes, me. I would like to note that my blog is not dead, simply dormant for periods of time. I do realise that the last time I blogged was in summer..and it is almost November..but this is a cancer blog..and I have not cancer. But here I am. Life goes on. C'est la vie.

I sit here with my (optimistically) shoulder length hair and relatively normal life, having had a whole month without going to the hospital once and feel somewhat of a traitor to my cancer society. Should I not be bald? Should I not be ill and unwell and in and out of hospital being poked and prodded by every living nurse and doctor? No. I am in remission and that is good. My experience is a parallel world to the one I live now. Of course, it plays a major party in my life and not a day goes by without it affecting me, but each day it becomes more and more surreal that my body was being taken over and attacked by tumours..only 18 months ago.

Edinburgh Jenners pink for Brest Cancer EYY

I am in remission. I have been in remission for ten months and eight days. My regular clinic check ups have just been moved from every month, to every second month and October is the first month I have not had a single reason to be in hospital since probably August 2010. 

Along with the good news I have brought you, comes some not so good news. A good friend of mine was diagnosed with pre-leukemia a couple of weeks ago. Luckily, it was caught very very early on and she is only on a six month chemotherapy treatment scheme. She was one of my friends who, when I was diagnosed, didn't understand how I kept so positive, she told me she could never be that strong. I can tell you right here, right now that she is as strong, if not stronger than I am was. It's amazing. Something about Rachel is that she wants to be me. Not only did she copy my illness, she copied my blog. (Hohoho kidding obv) so you all NEED to check it out. It's crazy good. http://rachelbouncingback.blogspot.co.uk  Although what's happened to Rachy is awful, like..the awfullest, I'm pleased that she is now my cancer friend. Cancer friends have this special bond, you see. A bond that nobody else quite understands. And only cancer friends have..or develop Tumour Humour. Nobody else understands that either. LUV U RACH X

And my final piece of news. That makes me just the happiest person ever ever ever to announce is that my FIRST EVER CANCER FRIEND Ailsa finshed her treatment on October 19th. She was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 years ago now and I cannot remember a single time in my treatment that she wasn't there for me. She really is a very very special gal and I am just SO HAPPY that she's been given the all clear. YAY AILS.  

And finally finally, the Annual It's Good 2 Give fashion show is on Sunday this week. There are still tickets available if you are interested so feel free to contact myself of Lynne for details! http://www.facebook.com/events/266433110093362/?ref=ts&fref=ts

Anyway, that is all for today. 

xoxo

New Beginnings

I haven't forgotten about my blog, I promise. I just don't have much to write about, which has been a recurring problem all year. After going into happy happy remission in December, my cancer side of things has been lifeless and repetitive (much like my hair) Normal life. Clinic once a month. Back to normal life. Clinic four weeks later. Normal life. So much so, that going back into my second home of Ward 2 at the Sick Kids, it feels like a lifetime ago that I lived there. I get somewhat nostalgic in the surroundings.

So, I'll catch you up...

• My team and I came 7th out of 28 at the Dragonboat race; Unbelievable
• I won a prize for Special Achievement (lol) at prizegiving
• I had the most amazing weekend of my life at T in the Park
• I've been to Majorca for three weeks on holiday
• I had my six month full body scans which showed everything as fine. WAHEY
• I saw Madonna live :|
• I got my exam results and somehow managed to scrape four As
• I eventually got the piercings I wanted
• A beautiful little boy was sadly taken from us, receiving his wings yesterday
• Tomorrow I set off on my final year of school

So summer 2012 is officially over. I can happily say that it has 100% been the best summer of my life and definitely made up for my lack of summer 2011. Between weekend festivals/breaks, holidays with my girls, my family holiday and my time in Edinburgh I have had the sickest time. I have the most amazing friends and family in the entire world that have made my summer as amazing as it was. LUV U GUYZ XOXO 

Also, as a footnote. It's Good 2 Give (only the most amazing charity ever) have begun to get busy organising our amazing annual fashion show. Tickets are available now so you should most definitely save the date: November 4th. SEE YOU THERE. http://www.facebook.com/events/266433110093362/