The Wall

I think I've done it, I've just hit the radiotherapy wall and I'm really not enjoying it in the slightest. I was told that, roughly 6-8 weeks after finishing radiotherapy, my body would hit a wall and try to shut down, leaving me constantly shattered. To the extent that I will be almost in tears whilst dragging myself out of bed at 7.30 for school. I will then be drifting off for the duration of the day, and when I finally go to bed, sleep is the last thing my body seems capable of. LOLWUUUT?! Quite literally thee most frustrating thing. I have never quite experienced such tiredness before, I feel as if I could hibernate until summer and still be shattered. Never have radiotherapy.

Although, when I do get my few hours of nightly sleep, I seem to have adopted a new recurring dream, which I'm not so fond of. I dream that my hair is down to my shoulders, yet I'm still extremely self-conscious and still want to wear my wig (even though my hair is shorter than most boys and i don't wear my wig) It's literally two or three years worth of hair growth in a night, much to my delight. I keep waking up from the dream playing with imaginary hair around my shoulders. To my extreme disappointment, when I look in the mirror, my hair is exactly the same as it was when I went to sleep. Putting me in a deep state of disappointment for the entirety of the day.

My weekly Sunday Photobooth photos prove that my hair has, quite literally, stayed the same for the past month. Maybe it's given up on growing. Maybe I'll be a lesbian-man for the rest of my days. The same has occurred with my lashes and brows. In all my vanity, my lashes used to be beautifully long, and are now no more than what you could call stumps. And I now refuse to leave the house without filled in brows; something I would never have even imagined doing 10 months ago. It's a sad happening really.

My skin, as well. Not that it's not growing, obviously, but that it's changed. Before disgnosis I have very average skin. Some days it could be beautifully clear and glowing, and others it could be disgustingly dry, with a colony of spots. Upon my first chemo, I got a horrendous rash all over my neck, chest and forehead, that looked much like acne, except they weren't proper spots, they were more just red itchy bumps. Then further on in my chemo, my skin was flawless, got no spots at all. Upon changing my chemo scheme, the rash came back to visit and during that scheme it was back to flawless. Now, well..it's back to average and I don't like it. I WANT FLAWLESS GLOWING SKIN. If anyone; Caggie, Millie, Audrina, Lauren C would like to swap, just get in touch yeah..?